pride

It's been a very revealing week in the life of Taylor Cox.

I have a lot of reservations about writing this blog
(a) because it will reveal a lot about the person I am and I'm honestly afraid that when my friends read it they will all realize (if they hadn't already) that I am incredibly prideful and shallow,
(b) because I'm afraid that people will think that by writing it, I am trying to look humble, which is really quite prideful,
(c) because I know that as I write, I will be tempted to make it seem like even though I am admitting fault, I'm okay now and I have it all together (I don't.), and
(d) because I have an ancient history exam tomorrow at 1:00. (Mom, I promise I've studied and I'll study more after I finish writing this!)

Well, this post has nothing to do with transportation. I know you were looking forward to a cute little story about the trip I took to my Grandma's house on Saturday, but I'm just not feeling the whole object-lesson route tonight. I want to get right to the point.

Here it is: I am a deeply sinful person.

When you read that you thought one of two things.
(a)"Gosh, Taylor, no! You're such a sweet and loving girl! You're a good girl." or,
(b) "I know you are. We all are, no need to beat yourself up about it."
Thanks, but you're wrong. Neither of those thoughts are true. I have been fooled by those lies for 20 years and I will not let Satan continue to tell me that I'm the "good girl" or that I'm not as bad as "most people." I am worse. I am a self-righteous and prideful hypocrite; speaking the words of a believer but doing nothing to keep my soul pure (Matthew 23:25-26). I have been acting like I have it all together; I've gotten really good at the act, but that's all it is—an act.

I've learned how to have deep conversations without really letting anyone know what is going on in my heart. I've learned how to talk about the struggles in my life without letting anyone convict me of my sin. I have even learned how to confess my sin without being bothered by it.
How blind I've become to my own pride!

Thursday night, God opened my eyes and I was horrified. It is really amazing how the Holy Spirit can reveal something to you about yourself that you never saw; especially when so many others have been seeing it for a really long time. Now, it's not like all of the sudden I was like, "Gee, I'm a really prideful person; didn't see that coming." I have always known that I struggle with pride—mostly because that's what my parents have always told me. I've grown up knowing that pride is a sin and that I should try to not be prideful, but until Thursday I just didn't see why my pride was such a big deal. It's not like I was doing drugs, not like I was stealing, or even spreading rumors about people. My pride was my deal. I wasn't hurting anyone, right?

Ha, I wish.

The reason I was so convicted on Thursday night was that I finally saw what I had been ignoring my whole life. My prideful heart has hurt people, people that I really care about; my family and my friends. I was so caught up in my fake humility, saying that I was sorry without really meaning it, that I didn't see the damage I was doing.

This is very depressing, I know, but it's biblical.

Submit yourselves therefore to God.
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
Cleanse your hands, you sinners,
and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Be wretched and mourn and weep.
Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
James 4:7

I have seen my sin and I don't want to forget how ugly it is. I have wept over my sin, mourned how far it has lured me from my God. I have been not humbled, but humiliated, and goodness knows I am ready for the joy that comes with repentance.

My prayer is that this confession will be something that you might relate to or be encouraged by. God has opened my eyes and I praise him for sight, even if what I see at the moment isn't so pretty. The amazing thing is that I have seen my darkness and I still have hope. I know that God is constantly guiding me. I have messed up. A lot. But the Spirit is at work.

I am still in transit.
(Tied it in after all, didn't I?)