tracing

Lightly,

my fingertips trace

along rough grain.

Aged wood

of a centuries old tree

passes slowly underneath my hands

like braille for the blind.

Barely touching the timber,

I feel along grooves

and over knots,

searching

for a place

that my weak hands

might cling

to the crudely-formed cross.

I must be careful,

for the wood's not been sanded.

I must find a place

that does not threaten

to scrape or splinter

my delicate hands,

though

I long
so deeply

to cling to it

with all of my strength.

I trace the tree
and wonder

what might happen

if my fingers

and palms

formed

white-knuckled fists

and I was brave enough
to hold on
tight.

resolutions

I'm not much for making New Year's resolutions, but I pray that for me this is a year of growth, joy, reflection, and peace.

Since I started my big girl job in August it seems like my world has become a giant blur of people and events and emotions and tasks. Whenever I get the chance to stop and catch my breath I don't know what to do with myself.

I pray that I learn what to do in those moments. I pray that I learn how to use those moments; how to not waste them. How to really truly rest and reflect and enjoy the peace that comes from being still.

propaganda

Oh my. I'm already halfway through September. For those who are still interested in my increasingly busy life, I'm a teacher in Durham, NC. It's... well, I'm learning a lot.

I'm going to try and be better about posting here. Not because I think anyone reads this, but because I like doing it.

Until then, here's a video:

adventure

Life is moving fast.

It's moving fast and my fingers are barely holding onto the coattails of opportunity. Maturity beckons and adolescence tugs at my heartstrings. I'm trying to keep up, but as I set out for new grown-up things, I mostly feel like I'm playing dress-up.

Dressing up as a College Graduate.

Dressing up as a Teacher.

Dressing up as a Wedding Guest.

As a Bridesmaid; the Maid of Honor.

I don't feel old enough to be any of those things, but here I am.

Growing up.

I stand at the edge of a vast unknown, praying for the wisdom and maturity I lack; pleading for patience and boldness, for tact and zeal.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time toweep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time to grow up, and I think I'm doing it. I think I'm excited about it too. After all, to quote one of my favorite movies, "To live will be an awfully big adventure."

anteater

Salvador Dali took his on walks.

direction

After a conversation with my friend Anna, who recently began a totally new life in Boston, I feel the need to write.

Now, I am aware that blogging is a fairly narcissistic hobby. Here I am, operating under the assumption that there are people out in cyberspace who actually care about what I have to say. It's pretty ridiculous, but I'm going to write anyway.

I'm going to write anyway because even if no one ever reads this post, sometimes there are thoughts and convictions and emotions worth getting out there. Posting it online is different than writing it in a journal. Somehow the possibility that someone could read this changes how I think about the words I type and my purpose for them.

If you are reading this, it could be that you have never experienced what I am experiencing and today you will learn something new about humanity or, more likely, it could be you are going through exactly what I am. You can read this and know that you are not alone.

I just graduated from college. I feel aimless, purposeless, and quite honestly, very scared. Not like an "I-just-saw-Paranormal-Activity-and-now-I-can't-sleep" scared, but an "I-am-lost-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-my-phone-is-dead-and-I'm-almost-out-of-gas" scared. It's terrifying and, even though I know that I have a ton of support from family and friends, sometimes I can't help but feel incredibly alone. It's a terrible thing to feel so directionless and so clueless about how to get where I'm supposed to be going.

I don't tell myself often enough that there is no one who can guide me better than Christ, the Word. I have also had to remind myself that the Word is what will sustain me during the times that I feel most isolated and insignificant.

It has helped me to read Psalms that were written by David during times that he was desperate and completely alone. In Psalm 13 he writes,

How long, o LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

He gives an example of faith I want to have. One that does not lie stagnant, but constantly seeks the will of the Lord, even during the darkest moments. Leonard Cohen said, "In the broken places, the light shines through." I desire so much to be like David and put my entire trust in the Lord during a time that I feel very lost.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

When we are weakest, God shows his great Strength. God has been so good and faithful so far; who am I to doubt he will show up now?

hipsters

I'm sort of obsessed with this hipster Disney princess thing.

via themarysue.com