adventure

Life is moving fast.

It's moving fast and my fingers are barely holding onto the coattails of opportunity. Maturity beckons and adolescence tugs at my heartstrings. I'm trying to keep up, but as I set out for new grown-up things, I mostly feel like I'm playing dress-up.

Dressing up as a College Graduate.

Dressing up as a Teacher.

Dressing up as a Wedding Guest.

As a Bridesmaid; the Maid of Honor.

I don't feel old enough to be any of those things, but here I am.

Growing up.

I stand at the edge of a vast unknown, praying for the wisdom and maturity I lack; pleading for patience and boldness, for tact and zeal.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time toweep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time to grow up, and I think I'm doing it. I think I'm excited about it too. After all, to quote one of my favorite movies, "To live will be an awfully big adventure."

anteater

Salvador Dali took his on walks.

direction

After a conversation with my friend Anna, who recently began a totally new life in Boston, I feel the need to write.

Now, I am aware that blogging is a fairly narcissistic hobby. Here I am, operating under the assumption that there are people out in cyberspace who actually care about what I have to say. It's pretty ridiculous, but I'm going to write anyway.

I'm going to write anyway because even if no one ever reads this post, sometimes there are thoughts and convictions and emotions worth getting out there. Posting it online is different than writing it in a journal. Somehow the possibility that someone could read this changes how I think about the words I type and my purpose for them.

If you are reading this, it could be that you have never experienced what I am experiencing and today you will learn something new about humanity or, more likely, it could be you are going through exactly what I am. You can read this and know that you are not alone.

I just graduated from college. I feel aimless, purposeless, and quite honestly, very scared. Not like an "I-just-saw-Paranormal-Activity-and-now-I-can't-sleep" scared, but an "I-am-lost-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-my-phone-is-dead-and-I'm-almost-out-of-gas" scared. It's terrifying and, even though I know that I have a ton of support from family and friends, sometimes I can't help but feel incredibly alone. It's a terrible thing to feel so directionless and so clueless about how to get where I'm supposed to be going.

I don't tell myself often enough that there is no one who can guide me better than Christ, the Word. I have also had to remind myself that the Word is what will sustain me during the times that I feel most isolated and insignificant.

It has helped me to read Psalms that were written by David during times that he was desperate and completely alone. In Psalm 13 he writes,

How long, o LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

He gives an example of faith I want to have. One that does not lie stagnant, but constantly seeks the will of the Lord, even during the darkest moments. Leonard Cohen said, "In the broken places, the light shines through." I desire so much to be like David and put my entire trust in the Lord during a time that I feel very lost.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

When we are weakest, God shows his great Strength. God has been so good and faithful so far; who am I to doubt he will show up now?

hipsters

I'm sort of obsessed with this hipster Disney princess thing.

via themarysue.com

dreaming

Between so many of my friends getting engaged and the royal wedding, I was bound to have a weird dream about marriage soon. I think being sick created the perfect conditions for me to have one of the longest and most vivid dreams I've had in a long time.

Because I'm sure you've seen Inception, we all know that dreams start in the middle of the action, so I'll jump right into it:

• I was in some kind of long-term relationship with a boy—don't ask what boy, because I don't remember. I just know he was great.
• Through some dramatic course of events, this guy broke up with me. I remember being really sad (obviously) and also frantically trying to find someone else to marry. (Apparently it was really important that I got married soon.)

[Okay, now this part is weird, I am trusting that you who are reading this will not judge me for dreaming this next part, after all—it was a dream and therefore not something that I could really control.]

• Somehow I ended up engaged to one of my students. He proposed to me with this insanely huge diamond and I said yes. (I promise I am not planning on dating or marrying any of my students. Ever.)
• So, I said yes to this kid, but I didn't want to marry him. I didn't really even like him at all, but I knew that I needed to get married, so I decided that I would suck it up and stay engaged.

• Fast-forward to some time in the future. I found myself at my Grandma's house (but it wasn't really my Grandma's house,) and I saw my dad. I ran up to him and started crying because I was engaged to a 17-year-old that I did't want to marry and I couldn't do anything to fix it. (As you can see, I am not incredibly rational when I dream.)
• My dad told me that it was going to be alright, and that we should go inside to be with the rest of our family.
• We went inside, and all of the sudden we were in a giant, super cool office/museum. (It's sort of what I imagine the Google offices to be like, but it was for Verizon.)
• My mom had grown her hair out to be longer than mine, which was odd to see.
• My parents, sisters, and I spent the rest of the dream walking through the Verizon office/museum.

What an incredibly bizarre thing to wake up remembering.

puddles

Sometimes I imagine I could dive

head-first

into a puddle

as deep as the ocean,

and grow gills and swim

out into the sea.

Underneath the city,

I'd find my way to a

vast, blue, violent stillness

of uncharted water

and no one would ever be able to find me.

There'd be

lovely loneliness where

no one would hurt,

no one would break,

no one would misspeak;

for no one would be there

but the water,

the fishes,

and me in my mermaid skin.

FOMO

"Fear of Missing Out."

It is a disease.

Symptoms include:

• worrying over whether someone will invite you to hang out tonight.
• staying up extremely late without changing into your PJs or washing off your makeup (just in case someone calls at 2:30am wanting to hang out).
• worrying over whether someone will invite you to hang out the night after tonight.
• worrying over silly things in general.

It is a silly disease. I have it. I am working towards rehabilitation.